I’m moving on.

This week has been a good week.

Accomplishment #1

I’ve been gone from home for almost a month, visiting friends, enjoying the sunshine and playing golf.  Alone, but having the camaraderie of people that I have known for years.  I have even made a few new friends.

Yesterday I played golf with my summer golf partner and enjoyed the day.  He was happy to see me.  I was happy to see him.  I met lots of his friends and family, and had a great day.

It reminds me of what friendship is all about.

This is what should precede any relationship.  Being Friends!  We should be friends. 

My relationship with Karen wasn’t based on friendship.  I’m not exactly sure what it was based on, but if I had to guess on one word, it would be LUST. 

That is so unlike me.

I am moving on.

Accomplishment #2

I passed the one year mark on being No Contact with Karen. 

The desire is still there to see her, to talk to her, but reality is setting in that I can never do it again.  I won’t ever do it again.  Not if I want to keep my sanity.  When people abuse other people with their craziness, it makes everyone insane.  She did that to me.

I am just beginning to realize what was really going on.  I am not sure if I just didn’t want to know, or was living in a fantasy world.  I have no animosity, just a lingering pain for being a fool.  

An old fool.

I’ll get over it.

I am moving on.

Accomplishment #3

Having some clarity.  The realization that life should be good for me.   I should be happy and not self-destruct in regrets.  

I don’t regret what I have done in the past.  I feel no guilt.  It has given me a new viewpoint of what I should be looking for.  I am not satisfied with what I had, and now it helps to have new goals in life.  Change is inevitable.

I’m moving on.

Strange, Fate or What?

I am strange at times, and whether you think what I did was right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. I am just relaying the past because it came to me as strange and weird that it happen 2 years ago on Saturday. The death of Whitney Houston brought it all back.

The setup is important. I had broken up with Karen, or she with me as it may have been after a argument. I had come back to Florida and was planning on spending another six weeks down here. I had been gone about a long week when she started texting, drawing me back in. I had always had a weakness for that type of thing.

I decided earlier that if it happened that I would not talk to her and had kind of figured out what I wanted to say to her. I had jotted some notes, and this is what it was.

I texted back that I was going to call, and not to answer, just let it go to voicemail as I couldn’t talk in person to her. Anyways this is exactly what I said.

Let me start by saying that I didn’t mean to hurt you…..and IF I did, I am truly sorry. The last thing in life that I would do is to want to hurt you.

I have told you for the last year that I loved you. I also know that you have felt love for me. We both know what our feelings have been.

They are just different. I have to just accept that.

I wish your feelings were more like mine. I know…..that’s very selfish of me.

Let there be no doubt in your mind that I was ready to do whatever…….for you.

My new councilor kind of hit me between the eyes and made me realize that if you felt the same as I did, you would have been doing things differently.

And Reality is sometimes hard to accept.

I have needs……..and you know what they are. They are basic needs that we all have. We have talked many times about it. I need someone to love me, hold me and do all the things that people do when they love one another.

I don’t want there to be any blame here, or bad feelings, between us. I want you to only have good feelings for me whenever you think of me.

I guess…………….I am just trying to be real.

The last few weeks….up there, were very hard on me.

I have had a lot of time to think since being gone. Being down here and remembering that just a year ago, you were here with me. Good….warm….fuzzy thoughts. I had hopes that last year was the beginning…….and I kept hanging on to that hope. BUT………It just wasn’t going to happen. We weren’t headed that way.

I wish you were here now, and could think of nothing better than going off to Mexico with you under happier circumstances. Yesterday I was at XXXX and it brought back good memories of when I went shopping before you got here, and buying stuff for you, and then again before you left on Sunday morning.

Sunshine and happiness. Makes me feel better just thinking about it.

We both know that is NOT going to happen again.

This was a reality check, for me.

For me to keep hanging on……………and hoping…….. it’s only hurting me. Emotionally I am fragile. You know how I get.

I need to move on, as hard as that is for me to do.

I need to quit wanting to help you, and take care of you like a husband should be doing.

I don’t know what else to say. I can tell you, It has been a hard week and a half for me. A thousand times I wanted to pick up the phone and call you or send a text. Waiting………for your ring tone to go off on my phone, hoping for a call or text. No one wants a broken heart and to be alone.

The words of one of my favorite song comes to my mind, it goes something like this……….

I wish you joy………And happiness…….But above all this…….I wish you love………….I love you…………….I will always love you.

We lasted another couple of weeks, doing the No Contact thing and then I was back in the fold.  Stupid me.

I did love her.

I am now 50 plus weeks No Contact and I am going to make it this time.

I’m free.

HOPE

I have noticed lately during my reading of other blogs, and posts that there is a common thread among successful affair Enders.  It’s called giving up hope.

Yup!  Not the easiest of things to do, because we are taught from children not to give up hope.  Think about it. You might call it something else, HANGING ON, POSSIBILITY and even DREAMING.  Whatever it is, it is all giving up HOPE.

So many us sit and dream about the ex-affair person coming to their senses and coming back like the closing scene in An Officer and a Gentleman.  A fantasy.  Coming to get us.  Riding off on the back of a motorcycle, or something to forget our screwed up lives, and then we will live happily ever after.

The period of break up, starts, and continues until you make up your mind it just isn’t going to happen.  That’s when the end starts.  You may go No Contact or whatever, depending on your circumstances of the ending, but sooner or later you are just going to give up hope.

Do we really think that we are going to change it into the ultimate fantasy?  Do we lack the ability to see reality?  Don’t we see the logic?  We forget about our real lives, our families, our responsibilities, the things that make us who we are.

Just who are we?  Are we logical, thinking people?  Or…………..maybe just people who live the fantasy.

Stick a fork in me, I am done!!

I NEED TO BE THE OLD ME, I’D RATHER BE ME!!!

That’s how I ended the first post on WordPress just a year ago.

The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye.

It’s over. FINALLY!!! I am heading in a different direction. I have too. I have to let go.

I have been doing this blog for a year now.  It was just a year ago I started this pity party and I am making the jump start to have it over.  To go back to being the old me.

It was just before my birthday. This Tuesday is my birthday again.

It’s been quite a year.

I am tired. I am tired of this. This feeling.  I have lived a fantasy life for the last two and half years. I fantasized over this girl for a long time before that. I am all done with all of that.

If you have read this blog for any length of time, then you know what has happened. To those that are new, a quick up to speed to tell you where everything stands.

It started when I fell into “lust” with a much younger woman who worked for me. It developed into more than a friendship. She made the initial advances, and I picked up on them. Lust turned into love and after several attempts to make more of it and she wouldn’t. I had to break things off, we have been No Contact now for over nineteen weeks this time. This is the last time.

We made it as far as six months one other time, but as with most people who have a broken heart, I succumbed to the temptations that come with an illicit relationship. She always came back for one more round. This time she either hasn’t or couldn’t.

This last time, I have finally learned my lesson.  I blocked her phone calls, I blocked her texts and though I have thought about her every day, and I have  let her rent way too much space in my mind, I have been strong and not wavered. Well, I did faulter a bit at times, but I stayed No Contact. I admit to being weak at times and could have caved in, IF she had made the move.

It is important to understand that I was ready, yes ready to do whatever it would have taken to have spent the rest of my life with her. Crazy I know, but you can do desperate things under the influence of LOVE. I think I was really in love. Maybe I still am. Whatever! I can’t do this anymore.

Well……….it is done. I am done.

I am not quite sure how my mind and body are going to take it. I am not sure exactly how I am going to feel tomorrow, or new week or in the future. It has to get easier. It has to.

Maybe without spending so much time thinking about it, without writing about it, maybe without all the triggers bringing back so many memories it will be easier. I hope so.

If I come back, please be kind. I don’t know what I would write about so at this time it is good-bye.

Today I learned she got married. I hope she finds happiness. I want happiness for BOTH of us.

I need to be the old me. I would rather be me. Wish me luck.

I always wanted a happy ending… Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. — Gilda Radner

Four month update

It has been a little over a month since my last post.

What’s NEW???

I am not feeling the need to expose my inner feelings as much as I did. Things are kind of calm in my life.

I am still NO CONTACT with Karen.

I have wondered about her. I think about her particularly during the times that were “habit times”. You know the times when I normally would have called her or checked in via a text message with her. It usually was during the drive in the morning or on the way home in the afternoon. I admit I have faltered. I have considered breaking contact. I have looked at the built in messages of the text program on my Droid phone. I have played with the idea that there might be something there that might express my feelings. (How lazy can I get?) I have thought about sending her one, just to see if she would give me a “WTF” type of answer. I know how ridiculous that is.

She might answer and I would again be hooked again. It would be my own fault. I would only be looking for a problem.

Only common sense has made me NOT do it. What would it accomplish? I don’t want to restart talking. She has changed. I have changed. It is a good chance we will never see or talk to each other ever again. If I can hold out.

I am selfish. I want things my way. Just having her back isn’t enough. She has to be the way I wanted her. Not some drug dependent, goofy machine. That is what I think she has turned into. I would really like to know if she has.

That bothers me. It’s hard to be dismissive of someone you once cared for.

Common sense tells me it doesn’t matter.

I am now over 17 weeks of NO CONTACT. I am enjoying my life again. I am keeping busy with my friends, golfing every day and doing all the things that I am supposed to be doing. I have cut my drinking in half. My extended family of friends have been very supportive.

Karen has led a life of drama. She was always in the midst of a problem. It was those problems that always drove me nuts. I don’t like problems. Why couldn’t she just give up that, for me and my way of life?

Of course that question could be reversed. Why couldn’t I bend?

I just want to move on. I want peace.

She has missed the boat. It has sailed. I am on my way to new horizons and they don’t include her. I’m not quite sure what the future holds. I don’t have any real plans for changing it.

Who knows?

We will see……….with time.

Peace to you all. Catch you on the rebound.

 

Three Month Update

The following questions were posted on EAS board at iVilliage.

Some truly provocative answers from many people.  It is worth the read.

I answered as honestly as possible. My problems with being on such board as EAS is that I have been on both sides of the affair. The one side, way too many times. Those scars reveal a lot about me.

Now as I pass into the 13^th week of No Contact I still feel twinges about Karen.  I do miss her.  I almost miss some of her problems.  I have to constantly remind myself, that I am doing this for MY good.

I am posting this for those that don’t go to EAS and would just like some light reading.

Enjoy………….

 

1. What is/are your reason(s) for being here?

It has changed over the time that I have been ending this A. (1 ½ years)  Originally I lurked and tried to get the feel of the group and was hesitant to join in, due to me being a male. This group occasionally is not friendly towards males. I was looking for the magic bullet that would help me end my relationship. I knew shortly after starting my A that it wasn’t healthy for me. That was a long time ago, and many endings ago. I still come to read, even though I don’t post as often as I used to. I do have fundamental differences of opinion and can’t support some of the ideas expressed due to my personal circumstances. I am a big believer in NC and know that it works, if you prepare yourself properly and follow the block and walk rule. You have to have commitment to ending the affair. You must give up all hope that it will somehow work out. You have to be honest with yourself.

2. Do you think that there was really “love” between you and your XAP? If your answer is “no,” tell us how you came to this conclusion. If your answer is “yes,” please define what love means to you.

Yes. We started our A as friends and it grew into more (honey-moon stage) and but then it just never progressed from there. I was in love with her and I guess her not so much. It wasn’t for my lack of trying, and many attempts at it to make it go the distance. I would have left my W if I had the opportunity to have continued the relationship and if it would have grown and if I thought we could have made something of it. I was looking for more of a commitment from her and she could never give it.

3. What do you think it is/was within you that lead you down the A path? I say” within you,” because having an A is/was all about you, whether you understand this yet or not.

It was the lack of what I thought my marriage should be all about and I still do. I am another one of those men who are in a marriage that sex is non-existent. My wife had a commitment to her work that came before me. It seemed like everything came before me. She has been diagnosed as Passive/Aggressive, and has her own problems with self-esteem that has led her to many affairs over the years. Those DDays have left their damage and now after much counseling and therapy, we just survive. She and I in more of brother/sister, or friend type of relationship than what I think a marriage should be. There is no passion. I wasn’t looking for an affair, or another woman, I just fell into it. I wasn’t trying to hurt my wife, I was helping myself to what I thought was happiness.

4. Do you agree or disagree that having an A was a personal choice based on selfishness and/or self entitlement? If you disagree, please elaborate.

Agree to both. I think that I was looking to fulfill my own needs, and if it is selfish, then I am guilty. I was trying to make myself happy. I feel we are all entitled to be happy.

5. Can you agree with the statement, “We are not bad people, we just made bad choices.”

This is where my fundamental difference comes in. I know I am not a bad person. The bad choice I made wasn’t in falling in love, it was falling in love with the wrong person. I never thought she was my soul mate or anything like that. She just turned out to be the wrong person.

6. For those of you who are now Tweeners or further along, do you have any regrets, and if so, what are they?

LOL! I have done this too many times. (started/failed) I have made it past the six/seven week jaunts many times more than I want to count. Past the 90 days, also the six month mark and foolishly I have always slipped back in contact, but not necessarily into the affair. Most times I allowed myself to slip back into contact, hoping that I could work our friendship, and it would lead me back into a relationship that would eventually put us together permanently. I regret ever thinking that there would ever be any change in her. We all know that “what you see, is what you get”. She was never going to change, and I know I am not, so I was beating a dead horse. It’s hard to accept failure at something that you want so bad.

This ending time I have made the commitment. I am in my thirteenth week this time. I have laid the ground work so that she can NOT contact me. The only chance of contact is “accidental-in person” contact, and I think I am prepared for that.

7. What was going on in your life pre-A that may have played a part in your decision to cross the line? Do you now see this as being an excuse, or do still think your actions were justifiable? If so, how so?

The truth is my excuse. Justifiable? Depending on your moral code is the answer to that. My marriage just wasn’t working and my needs weren’t being met. No other excuse. I was just looking to satisfy myself. Selfish? Yes, but I can’t depend on anyone else to be looking out for me.

8. For those of you long out of your A, have you forgiven yourself? Have you forgiven your XAP? How long did it take (approximately).

I feel no guilt what-so-ever. I feel no animosity towards my xAP and I wish her well. I of course wish she could have been what I wanted her to be.

9. Who can admit that this was the worst mistake they ever made and wish they could turn back the clock? On the flip side, who can admit that their A, although wrong, was the catalyst needed to make those much needed changes in your thinking and behavior? If so, what are those positive changes and how have they improved the quality of your life?

Another fundamental difference of opinions. I have made many, far worse mistakes in my life than this one. This one just hurts the worst. This one has taken me the longest to get over and recovery is still alluding me. The mistake here was falling in love with someone who was not ready to love me back for whatever reasons that she has. (There could be many) Post affair behavior? I have or at least am trying to go back to the way that I was pre-affair. She is gone from my life. I have gone back to my old life. I was enjoying life, and making the best of life that I could, and am now working on getting back to being the old me. I am blessed with many friends who make my life enjoyable and keep me busy and out of the affair mode of mind.

Iddy, I hope you come back on Thursday to give me my wings that you owe me, for this time and for all the times I made it before. My best thoughts to you, a fellow Michigander. Keep the faith.

 

AMEN!!!

AMEN

Can I hear a AMEN!!!

Eight plus weeks or two months since I last had any conversation with her. I just remember a few of the little things that she was saying. It was the middle of the day, she was half crying, half whining and it sounded like she was high on junk. I am not too sure because she called while she was working. How do you do that? I wasn’t quite sure why she even called.

I have put in place call blocking. I installed a program on my Droid to notify callers that the call has been blocked. Her text messages are blocked also. I can’t stop her from calling the house, but I can be careful. That how I screwed up a couple of times, so I have learned my lesson. Always check the caller ID.

It’s Easter. Revival! Renewal! Rejoice. It’s spring, the grass is greening, the sun is starting to shine more and I have a half-dozen rounds of golf under my belt. I am renewing the camaraderie of my golf buddies. It is making my life a lot easier. I am spending more time thinking how I can hit a seven iron a little further, than I am about her.

I am breaking the cycle. I feel this time is the one that I make it. I am still hesitant, as I still lust after her. I know all of that will dissipate as the year progresses. Summer will help me. Time will help.

I haven’t done this in many years. Not since I fell in love with a Filipina years ago, as a young man of twenty. Even then I knew what I had to do, and though I am not proud of dumping her, I made it by going the no contact route. Now she is just a memory. One of a few women who I really loved in my life. So maybe I just remember the good parts.

Of course then I was young and stupid. Now I am old and stupid.

Things are still the same with me and my wife. (Yes, she another one that I truly loved at one time,) She has recovered nicely from her surgery and things are getting back to normal. Dull and mundane. That is just the way that she is. She is back to being a grand-ma. That’s what’s important to her.

I fear things are back to normal. Back to being pre-Karen. It was great while it lasted. I will probably adjust my daily life to what makes it easy for me to continue in this way of life. I will try to do the right things.

If there was only someone to share it with. Someone who would excite me. Someone I could lust for. Is it just a dream or is my life just over?

That’s where the Amen comes in. Something has ended. I think it was that desire to be with Karen.

AMEN!!!